The Post I Never Knew How to Write.

This entry has been a very long time coming. Years upon years this thought has been going in an out of my mind, like a strong wind that comes and goes. I have always past it up and tried to write it off, trying to come up with any excuse to talk away what I have always felt. I kept thinking that certain things would fix it, like if I just find the perfect man, get married, have a baby, get more money, get a dog, get a cat, a bigger house, nice clothes, maybe if I have another cup of coffee, or maybe i just need some more sleep, something, something has got to take this feeling away. But inevitably nothing has. It blows in an out depending upon the day, and I have never wanted to actually admit it to myself, and most definitely not to anyone else, but I think I am depressed. Today is one of my bad days, where I wake up and I just don't feel like doing anything, I get out of bed because I have to. I have to get the kids fed and dressed, get Joel off to school, but I feel overwhelmingly sad, overwhelmingly irritable, and kind of empty. I make it through the days, which feel unbearably long, and nothing can shake me of this funk. I have often tried to pass it up as boredom, but I don't want to do anything. There isn't a thing that sounds like it will be enjoyable. Then I have my good days, where I feel great, I get lots done, I enjoy playing with the kids and life feels great, and I realize why it is worth living. I keep thinking this feeling will go away but it doesn't, and I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here or what to do. I am sick of feeling like this and being at the mercy of my emotions, but I don't want to medicate myself either. I am at the point though where I don't know what else to do. I guess that is why it has taken me so long to admit this because I feel like the world is over medicated. If you are reading this and have dealt with depression before I would really appreciate a response to tell me about your experience. Today I just feel hopeless.