The Post I Never Knew How to Write.

This entry has been a very long time coming. Years upon years this thought has been going in an out of my mind, like a strong wind that comes and goes. I have always past it up and tried to write it off, trying to come up with any excuse to talk away what I have always felt. I kept thinking that certain things would fix it, like if I just find the perfect man, get married, have a baby, get more money, get a dog, get a cat, a bigger house, nice clothes, maybe if I have another cup of coffee, or maybe i just need some more sleep, something, something has got to take this feeling away. But inevitably nothing has. It blows in an out depending upon the day, and I have never wanted to actually admit it to myself, and most definitely not to anyone else, but I think I am depressed. Today is one of my bad days, where I wake up and I just don't feel like doing anything, I get out of bed because I have to. I have to get the kids fed and dressed, get Joel off to school, but I feel overwhelmingly sad, overwhelmingly irritable, and kind of empty. I make it through the days, which feel unbearably long, and nothing can shake me of this funk. I have often tried to pass it up as boredom, but I don't want to do anything. There isn't a thing that sounds like it will be enjoyable. Then I have my good days, where I feel great, I get lots done, I enjoy playing with the kids and life feels great, and I realize why it is worth living. I keep thinking this feeling will go away but it doesn't, and I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here or what to do. I am sick of feeling like this and being at the mercy of my emotions, but I don't want to medicate myself either. I am at the point though where I don't know what else to do. I guess that is why it has taken me so long to admit this because I feel like the world is over medicated. If you are reading this and have dealt with depression before I would really appreciate a response to tell me about your experience. Today I just feel hopeless.

Blue

I am sitting here right now feeling a little defeated. Today has been a very draining day. April is sick and has been very needy and clingy. She isn't sleeping well and when she is awake all she seems to do is cry. She won't eat. Now it looks like Colin is also getting sick. Joy of all joys. Sometimes being a parent can be very challenging. To top it off, Nathan and I found out about some not so wonderful family drama today. I just find it so hurtful to know there are certain people in my life that feel the need to talk about me behind my back for not weeks, not months, but years, and then put on a happy smiling face when they are around me. I know I am certainly far from perfect but I just feel like if there is something that I am doing that you don't like or that hurts you in some way I wish people would just let me know. I don't know. I am feeling extremely drained today, and I am on the verge of tears. It could be that I am getting sick too, and that I am a little over tired. Hoping I will feel better tomorrow. Really hoping this bug passes me by.