The Post I Never Knew How to Write.

This entry has been a very long time coming. Years upon years this thought has been going in an out of my mind, like a strong wind that comes and goes. I have always past it up and tried to write it off, trying to come up with any excuse to talk away what I have always felt. I kept thinking that certain things would fix it, like if I just find the perfect man, get married, have a baby, get more money, get a dog, get a cat, a bigger house, nice clothes, maybe if I have another cup of coffee, or maybe i just need some more sleep, something, something has got to take this feeling away. But inevitably nothing has. It blows in an out depending upon the day, and I have never wanted to actually admit it to myself, and most definitely not to anyone else, but I think I am depressed. Today is one of my bad days, where I wake up and I just don't feel like doing anything, I get out of bed because I have to. I have to get the kids fed and dressed, get Joel off to school, but I feel overwhelmingly sad, overwhelmingly irritable, and kind of empty. I make it through the days, which feel unbearably long, and nothing can shake me of this funk. I have often tried to pass it up as boredom, but I don't want to do anything. There isn't a thing that sounds like it will be enjoyable. Then I have my good days, where I feel great, I get lots done, I enjoy playing with the kids and life feels great, and I realize why it is worth living. I keep thinking this feeling will go away but it doesn't, and I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here or what to do. I am sick of feeling like this and being at the mercy of my emotions, but I don't want to medicate myself either. I am at the point though where I don't know what else to do. I guess that is why it has taken me so long to admit this because I feel like the world is over medicated. If you are reading this and have dealt with depression before I would really appreciate a response to tell me about your experience. Today I just feel hopeless.

Blue

I am sitting here right now feeling a little defeated. Today has been a very draining day. April is sick and has been very needy and clingy. She isn't sleeping well and when she is awake all she seems to do is cry. She won't eat. Now it looks like Colin is also getting sick. Joy of all joys. Sometimes being a parent can be very challenging. To top it off, Nathan and I found out about some not so wonderful family drama today. I just find it so hurtful to know there are certain people in my life that feel the need to talk about me behind my back for not weeks, not months, but years, and then put on a happy smiling face when they are around me. I know I am certainly far from perfect but I just feel like if there is something that I am doing that you don't like or that hurts you in some way I wish people would just let me know. I don't know. I am feeling extremely drained today, and I am on the verge of tears. It could be that I am getting sick too, and that I am a little over tired. Hoping I will feel better tomorrow. Really hoping this bug passes me by.

Kids say the Darndest Things

I was laying in bed with Colin last night before he went to sleep and he says to me.
Colin: Mommy I wish we could get a pet.
Me: What kind of pet would you like?
Colin: a cat
Me: Daddy doesn't like cats so I don't think we will get a cat
Colin: Well maybe if Daddy dies then we can get a cat.

School Days

Here we are again at the "start" of another school year! Crazy! Well technically it is 15 days into the school year but pretty darn close. Joel boarded the big school bus on September 1st bound for a new world! He is loving it! I had no doubt he would love it. And surprisingly I am enjoying it too. I cried the first day he went and felt a little lost, but we are getting into a new routine now and it is definitely easier with 1 gone. I miss him though and I hate that I don't really know what is going on. His school isn't over informative and it can make me a bit uneasy. I would rather be bombarded by information then feel like I know nothing of what is happening.

Colin started playschool on Monday as well. It feels like yesterday that Joel started playschool and now Colin is there. Its almost surreal how fast these kids are growing up. One minute they can't get enough playtime with me and the next they won't want anything to do with me. Its hard not to take the moments for granted that they are vying for my attention. I am really trying hard to stop what I am so "busy" doing to get down to their level while they want me to. Joel is already at the point where he would much rather have a friend over than play with old mom but he still does want my attention at times. Colin has quite a few kids in his class that he knows so that is nice. There is also another Colin in his class which I find hard to believe. Its not a very common name. I think there were about 25 Colin's born in 2006 in all of Alberta.

Adventures in the Big Blue House

Howdy everybody.
Hope everyone is doing swimmingly on this particular Thursday in July. Whats new at our place this week? Well I am glad you asked :) I am currently learning to crochet and am really enjoying it. My Nana gave me all of her old crochet stuff, so I have being going crazy learning all the different techniques. I even finished a hat with ear flaps and a flower this morning. I will take some pictures of April wearing it and try to remember to post them later. I am pretty proud of myself! Nathan has been calling me an old lady though with all my elderly hobbies of baking and crocheting. Once I have mastered this I think I am going to learn to knit too.

In other news I have been teaching Joel to read. Well working with him anyways. His best friend, whom he met in kindergarten, knows how to read so he has been really wanting to learn. He gets pretty frustrated though and doesn't want to sound anything out. He just thinks he should be able to look at the word and try to guess what it is. Then he goes and pouts when he can't figure it out. Thank goodness grade one is only a month away.. I am not a very good teacher.

I have also been working with Colin to try and eliminate is terrible violent habit of hurting people when he doesn't get what he wants or is frustrated with someone. I don't like spanking my kids but it seems to be the only way through to this boy of mine! He is definitely a stubborn kid. He is the sweetest funniest kid when he wants to be but watch out when he is in a bad mood. I guess that can be said about us all. I hope we can get this corrected before he goes to playschool is September though.

April has been walking around all over the place lately. She really doesn't crawl much at all at home anymore. I will post some video later of that too.

In a blink of an eye

Holy Moses! We are near the end of July already! Wow. It has been a couple very crazy busy months. We sold our house and moved in to a new 2100 square foot 2 storey just up the road on June 15. April celebrated her 1st birthday on the 7th of June and we had her party on June 27 because we wanted to wait until after the move. Joel turned 6 on July 15 and we went to Vancouver Island for a week between July 13 to the 20th. Its been a blast but its hard to find enough time to do much blogging amidst all of that.

April took her first steps on July 11th and has been getting braver every day. Nathan said she walked across the living room while i was at work last night. It really is bitter sweet. I am so proud of her and happy that I won't have to tote her 24 pound body around much longer but it also means she is growing up and becoming more independent and that is so sad to me. I can hardly believe how the time flies, and I just wish for a few moments I could slow it down and just enjoy every sweet second of my kids lives.. and just freeze them the way they are right now if only for a few months longer. I can't believe it has been 6 years since Nathan and I entered into this journey of parenthood. 6 years! That is a substantial amount of time.. and that is the magic number. The school aged number where my big boy goes to school for a whole day, with a lunch in tow and becomes his own person with his own life. Part of me can't wait! It means he will learn to read and make his own friends, but part of me is so so sad that we have gotten here so very fast. A blink of an eye really. I here it only gets faster from here, so if the first 6 years went by this fast how much quicker will the next 12 go? Dear God.. please slow this life down! I only get one!

This Time Last Year....

I was 35 weeks pregnant! Crazy! It feels like just yesterday but at the same time a world away. Check out the video I made on May 4th last year! Just don't forget to pause the music at the bottom of the page.

Christmas in May

Oh my word.. the weather here is INSANE today. I thought we were going to enjoy an early spring for once, but oh no.. old man winter decided to rear his ugly head once again, in MAY for goodness sake! Its hideously awful out there, but the one up side is that I get to enjoy a lazy day inside with the kiddos and my mama because they canceled her work today. I will have to take some pictures and post them later... it is really something else!

Not much else to report. We still have not sold our house. We had a showing last night, and a couple more expected this coming weekend. Hopefully one of them will result in a sale, but we shall see. I am not too worried. I believe the man upstairs has us covered! I just hope we don't have to pay 2 mortgages for very long.. if at all! I am getting pretty excited about the thought of moving into our forever home! (or LONG time home), plus we won't have to hang our stockings on the wall anymore at Christmas time as we will have an actual fireplace and numerous spots that a Christmas tree can go! Man all this snow apparently makes me think of Christmas!

I also think I should get a pat on the back for how frequently I have blogged lately! I believe (if I have counted correctly) I have posted 5 entries in the span of a month! Yay me!

Letter of the Day

Dearest Colin,
I love you to bits but today you are trying my patience. This morning I was woken up by your brother who informed me that you had dumped an entire bottle of glue on our love seat. You had also pulled out a roll of double sided tape that you unrolled and left in a pile. Toys were strewn from one corner of the living room to the other. Your ears also seem to be broken today as your listening skills seem to not be working. I know one day that I will appreciate your creative nature and your silly antics, but today I just don't have the patience for it.

sincerely,
your worn out Mommy

New Home

Well its official! We will be moving to a new house June 15! I am ecstatic! I cannot wait to live somewhere and make memories in a new home! Now we just need to sell this house. We had all intentions of selling this place before removing all our conditions on the new house but unfortunately that wasn't possible because the other house got another offer and we got served with a 24 hour time line or we lost the house. I am so very excited! I just hope this place sells FAST!

In other news the boys started soccer this week. It was freezing cold but Joel seems to really be enjoying it! We just need to work on his sportsmanship because he is a bit of a poor sport but he is doing 200% better from last year. Colin has his first game on Friday night. He is more athletic than Joel and I think he will really enjoy himself. Will post pics soon.

Bummed!

I am sad today. We found out yesterday that we won't be getting our house after all and it makes me really sad! But we just can't do it.. it will be way too much money and Nathan and I aren't willing to put ourselves into that much debt! We would basically be house broke and I don't want that at all. So from here I don't really know what our next step would be. I would kind of like to contact a realtor and have them keep their eye out for the perfect house for us. I just don't know at this point. I am bummed and thats all I know.

Busy Busy Busy

Okay so it is always my excuse.. I am a busy mama of 3 beautiful crazy children. It takes up most of my time and I generally don't feel like taking the time to blog. But here I am. I am not going to apologize. It just isn't my top priority. :) Things are even more hectic now that I am back to work 2 nights a week and every 2nd Saturday. Which is going amazingly well, thank you for asking! I am enjoying the break, and the extra pay check is an added bonus. We are saving it so that once Nathan's lease is up we can afford to buy another car without payments. And we are also in the midst of hopefully building a new house. We are currently working on all the financing issues. I am very excited about the prospect of a bigger house more suitable to our family, and the house we are looking at building will be a nice big bilevel finished on both levels. It's a house we hope to be able to stay in until our kids are grown up, if not beyond then.

In other news my smallest babe turned 10 months old yesterday! Holy moly! That is insane! Wasn't it only yesterday that I was griping about still being pregnant? Wasn't it just last week that I took that pregnancy test and saw 2 lines instead of 1? Wasn't it only a year ago I brought Colin home from the hospital.. and the year before that that I found out at the young age of 18 that I was going to be a mommy for the 1st time? How did so much time get away from me? I do not understand how the days can sometimes feel so long but the years so short? This life passes too quickly!

Well I suppose I should get back to the grind and get lunch started before Joel walks in the door from school. I hope everyone is doing amazingly.. and hopefully I will be back to post again before next Christmas rolls around :)

Beautiful Weather. Beautiful Life.

We are in the midst of a January heat wave! It has been so nice for about the last week and we are all loving every minute of it! The kids and I have made an effort to play outside everyday this week and it has been so wonderful! My new years resolution this year is to make as many memories with my kids this year as I can. Or at least try and use the time that I have with them in a fun and memorable way! It won't be long before they are grown and no longer have the desire to spend time with their old Mom! Like the song says "You're gonna miss this. You're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast. These are some good times so take a good look around. You may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this" That song sends me into hysterics every time i hear it! I know I am going to miss this time I have with them now! Why is it I am not making better use of the time I have been given?

I took the boys sledding for the first time in a couple years, yesterday. It was a blast! We are planning to go again this afternoon and my Grandma is going to come stay with April so that I can go and join in on the fun! I also plan on taking the camera with me so that I can get some video and pictures.